Memorial Day

Memorial Day Weekend is upon us in 2022! I have to say that this year has been interesting, to say the least, and I’ve had time to think and reflect on many aspects of my life and experiences. As time passes, I’m learning to be more ok with the passing of my friends that I lost in the war. This doesn’t mean that I’m forgetting them, nor does it mean that I miss them less. I think it means that I’m ok with living my life without the constant pangs of survivor guilt. I haven’t felt good about still being here for a long time, and it really affected how I lived my life. When you wake up, and guilt feels like it wraps its cold, spidery fingers around every positive emotion you feel, it can wear you down and really hold you back. It keeps you from being present in the moment because you feel like you shouldn’t enjoy your today. After all, your friends don’t have a today or a tomorrow, and they haven’t had a tomorrow for nearly 12 years. I like to think that I did my best to honor their lives and sacrifices by staying the course, keeping up the fight, and being an example to those who come after so they can have so many more tomorrows than what A.J. and Mike had. However, that has come with a price.

               I’ve had days where I’ve been so angry because I was still here, and they weren’t. I’ve had days where I was just an emotional wreck and sobbed, thinking about how I wished they were still here and how I wished it would have been me instead. I wasn’t wrong to hurt because of their loss. Grief is natural and acceptable when you lose people you love and care about. However, I was wrong to feel like it should have been me or that somehow I wasn’t worthy of being here when they weren’t. Self-loathing isn’t a way to keep living an honorable and fulfilling life. It lessens the sacrifice of those we lost because I know Mike and A.J. would have felt pain at my death like I did at theirs. However, suppose I loathe being myself, or I am so critical of my life because I survived and they didn’t? In that case, I might as well have died in the Afghan countryside with them for all the good I’m doing. I’m not living to my fullest, and I think A.J. and Mike would be upset with me for willfully giving up my tomorrows and my today because I think I’m disappointing them with how I’m living. Honestly, hating my life is a load of bullshit that I fed myself to feel better about living life to a lesser degree than I should have. I think many of us who survive combat and other traumatic experiences do this.

               I ignored family, myself, and everyone in between and focused on work. I disregarded my own personal development in favor of developing others. I was fortunate enough to survive. I have to remember that. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT! I loved A.J. and Mike and continue to miss them deeply. I always will miss them. So much of who I am is tied to my time with them and what I learned from them. Their loss has also been instrumental in shaping who I am and who I am yet to become. I am thankful for them being in my life every single day, even if it was only for a short while.

               I will close this Memorial Day post with something I often post when I remember my lost teammates. It’s a short poem by Major Michael Davis O’Donnell, a helicopter pilot killed in Vietnam. I’ll post it below, but the line I think I never really took to heart, and I mean genuinely took to heart, is this, “Take what they have left and what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own.” Remember those who don’t have a tomorrow and who they were to you. Live your tomorrows fully because that’s what they would want for you if they were still here. Choose to live unshackled by their loss and emboldened by it! Live your today to its last full measure! After all, it’s what they would have wanted for you and what you would have wanted for them had the roles been reversed.

          Enjoy this weekend! Eat, Drink, and live life to its fullest with those you love. Memorial Day is as much for all of us who survived as it is for those who didn’t.

If you are able, save them a place inside of you
and save one backward glance when you are leaving
for the places they can no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say you loved them,
though you may or may not have always.
Take what they have left and what they have taught you
with their dying and keep it with your own.
And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane,
take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind.

Major Michael Davis O’Donnell
1 January 1970
Dak To, Vietnam